Zane Rules



1. My Big Toe is correctly referred to as my Thumb Toe.

2. If I have been waiting more than two minutes for anything to occur, I have been waiting a million hours, a million days, or at the very least, sixteen years.

3. Everything I dislike "stinks like a piece of trash."

4. The amount of time a new toy is whined, begged and pleaded for is not equal to the amount of time I will actually play with it. It is also not equal to the time it takes to build, break, lose or deface the new toy. It is, ahem, for you non parents, considerably SHORTER.

5. I am installed with a Parental Embarrassment-O-Meter, and it comes with a warranty that expires when I turn forty. It will automatically assess all situations with the potential of making my parents cringe; including but not limited to, restaurants, grocery stores, doctor's offices, churches, and virtually any public place that is made known to me in advance to be a venue where I must be "on my best behavior." My subconscious will then force me to use my OUTSIDE VOICE, demand all candy within a five mile radius, hone into and then touch all germy surfaces, and reveal the latest family scandal to the nearest old lady.

6. Burping in any social setting is a great way to make friends and influence people. Fart, and you are the life of the party.

7. Sugar (bubblegum) in the morning, sugar in the evening, sugar at suppertime. The perfectly sound diet for every human.

8. Grow ups (yes I said Grow Ups) are rather boring. They "work" and "do chores" and "read" and "type on the computer" when they could be playing. Also they "talk to each other" when clearly I have crises every five minutes, such as needing more bubble gum.

9. To keep things lively around here, I like to surprise my parents every day. On Monday, I will eat my oatmeal and thank Mommy for buying me the kind with colorful Dinosaur Eggs in it. On Tuesday, I will be shocked at the very existence of something called oatmeal, and cry big tears at the absolute injustice of all the kids on tv enjoying Marshmallow Candy Sugar Not Cereal At All. On Wednesday, I will show my parents what a big boy I am and brush my teeth all by myself, willingly. On Thursday, I will rebel at the thought of yucky toothpaste and require blatant bribery to keep my teeth from falling out of my mouth, Pre Tooth Fairy.

10. The most important Rule of all: I love my Mommy and Daddy more than anything in the Universe, and show them all the time, just to keep them from going over the edge. No really, it is wonderful to love when you are loved. It just kind of happens, you know?

And now.....*BURPPPPP*

(That's my way of thanking you for reading this. Everyone likes bodily explosions, right?)