Of Fleas and Ticks

Miscommunication and its erstwhile companion Confusion reigned in our household this week, and they brought their inevitable offspring, Wild Accusations and Self Righteous Tears. They moved into our home in that cutesy little way they have of sneaking in on the backs of the most innocuous daily events.

Beau the Yorkie recently went for what was expected to be a routine grooming. I had received the friendly, early summer postcard a week ago reminding me that he was due for a fecal exam to test for worms. Ah, the things pets endure! When I called to make the appointment I asked if he could be subjected to this procedure on the same day of grooming.

For the RECORD, which all of you marrieds know is so very important, here is my transcription of the conversation. And if any of you, like Z, doubt my ability to recall events exactly as they occurred, I will also start tape recording all of my communications with you.

Me: I would like to book an appointment for Beau to be groomed, and also you notified me that he is due for a fecal. (Oh how that word just rolls around the tongue!) Do I need to bring a sample?

Receptionist: Oh, we don't do that anymore, we just give them this new pill. It prevents worms for six months. And the fecal exam is not all that reliable.

Me: How awesome! 'Cause I really hate that Frontline stuff. It is dangerous for kids and I am not too sure how good it is for animals, either.

Receptionist: Great, we'll see you then!

THE DAY OF THE APPOINTMENT

Z takes Beau to the vet. I ask how it went, and if he remembered to remind them of the worm pill.

Z: It was seven in the morning and she was talking so fast, that I got confused. I do know that they are going to give him a shot. They said something about a pill, and I said no, that would be way too much for his system to do all at once.

S: (Blood pressure rises visibly) A shot? No pill? His system?

Z: Worms.

S: YOU CALL THEM BACK RIGHT NOW AND TELL THEM THAT HE NEEDS THE PILL AND WHY THE F THEY DID NOT TELL US WHAT HE NEEDED WHEN I CALLED THEM AND RANDOM BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! ALSO SCREAMING AND YELLING.

Z: Well, damn. Okay.

LATER IN THE DAY

Sara calls the vet. (Oh Lord, you all, please proceed with caution.)

S: Hello this is Beau's Mom. (Yes, I am.) Is he ready yet?

Snotty lady who hates me, obviously: Well, I don't know if you are aware of it, but that POOR little dog has PYRODERMA.

S: What?

SnottyLadyHatesMe: It is a bacterial skin infection. He will need to take antibiotics every twelve hours, in the form of a big purple and pink pill that dogs hate the look of, let alone the prospect of the shoving down the throat of. Good luck.

S: (Needs to be resuscitated due to lack of heartbeat.) Is that something that is contagious to humans, because you know I love my dog, but I have a four year old who is rather allergic and what in the world, I just need your help, should I be worried, I mean really I care about my dog but I also care about my child and it may seem to you that I am not being the best parent or dog parent but holy crap I do what I can and what do you advise, for GOD'S SAKE ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

SLHM: (Unbelievably says to me): You know, there are many things your child can catch from Beau.

SILENCE

S: (Now in a fog of scary situations) Goodbye.


I then looked at the receipt that detailed the day's fun and ministrations to Beau. Leaping to my attention was the application of FRONTLINE. I freaked, and caused Z to freak. (Yes, I do love that.)

Z promptly ala hero called the vet and set things totally straight. We had gotten the print out of Jessica and Jim Colten, proud owners of a Lhaso Apso, who are obviously unafraid of chemically poisoning themselves and all around them, as they are willing to let their dog be infused with Frontline so that they will not have to deal with fleas and ticks.

SO, if you chanced to hear the BIG SIGH OF RELIEF HEARD AROUND THE WORLD yesterday, please feel free to thank us.